by Bruce Donnelly
(Editor’s note: It has come to our attention that people are apparently confused about the intended addressee of this letter. Y’all. This ain’t for Scheer. Scheer’s a lazy, if lovable, ass who has refused to write or commit to write anything yet. The post-script is for Scheer. Process of elimination means it’s for either SG, Sparks, or Smythe. Who you think it’s for?)
Author’s note: This letter has been written to a fellow, unnamed Face Beat It writer. That said, it is CC’d to various people covering the MLQ across other media platforms. It has also been written under the influence of a quarter of a handle of tequila. I’m only sorry to my editor—sorta—for having to deal with it.
Dear Golden Boy,
As I read you putting on for your new city and, like many in the media, disparaging the way my East Coast brethren (and sistren; got you,Dal) run their league, I am terribly disappointed.
Without the region you now reside in—without the new divisions entirely, actually—the Major League Quidditch season ran without a hitch last season (the MLQ Fantasy tournament notwithstanding). The original eight teams provided the league with no rescheduled events and a decent quality of games throughout the season, despite a few blowout victories. A season that originally seemed predetermined ended up finishing with a slightly surprising winner and highly competitive—and questionably concluded—championship games.
Since you, unnamed FBI writer, left the Atlantic Coast, the MLQ has been wrought with issues. The resulting effect has been the flooding out of an entire series on an opening weekend, one team’s inability to recruit a respectable roster, and (because I will always trust our omnipotent leaders, Amanda Dallas and Ethan Sturm) ~your city~ was unable to provide even adequate fields for their first series as an MLQ team.
Your article provided me with a reminder of the power rankings of another “news outlet” covering this league. Your article described your own dreams as a fan as nothing but a championship. I have a qualm with that, sir, much like I have an issue with the way our competitors rank this season.
Too many people expect New York to falter. Too many people expect New York to be blown out by Boston in their opening series. With beater pairs to cause match-up troubles even for Boston, and most other teams in the league, as well as a good mix of quaffle carriers and off-ball chasers, New York stacks up incredibly well in several areas to ever be discredited outright.
The discount of New York will be, as it usually is, at the peril of those doing so.
In the two years that they’ve been a team—at least ever since the NYDC debacle—the Warriors, the USQ team that largely comprises the New York Titans, have exceeded the expectations put forth by media outlets, including whatever analysis I have intermittently written. In fact, my own coverage of them has been hypercritical.
This Titans squad is not the two-time Sweet 16 contestant Warriors squads, and the presence of players like Kyle Jeon, David Foxx, and Zack Gindes is what sets this team apart from its USQ counterpart.
With the evidence of last year’s finals appearance, along with the leadership of Michael Parada and the aforementioned national championship-winning Jeon, I implore you and those discrediting the potential of this team to expect to see this team in the final four in late August.
If you have you doubts, good sir, I stand proud enough to say: in your next article, name your terms, and I will answer your challenge.
I have the honor to be your obedient servant,
PS: another transplant to your new city, from a much worse place than Boston, is mediocre. I’m disappointed in you for not entirely supplanting him as the new voice of Los Angeles.
Consider that my consistent, gratuitous, unnecessary shot at the dude that doesn’t represent the Great Lakes anymore—despite the constant notifications I still get from him there. No awful pun needed.