Editor’s Note: Although based on this site’s track record it should hopefully be obvious, this World Cup preview series is intended to be satirical in nature. In no way, shape, or form do the authors of this series intend offense or insult; we hope we have offered none.
Sarah Goad: We’re back with the second installment of FBI’s preview of this weekend’s 2016 Quidditch World Cup.
A quick refresher for those of you who missed our first installment. Pools A, C, and D were evenly divided by the World Cup committee into groups of five, so we decided amongst the three of us who would take lead on which of these three pools:
|POOL A (Bruce)||POOL C (SG)||POOL D (Ryan)|
The two remaining pools—B and E—have been divided into groups of four. Little logic or foresight went into who would take lead on these teams. In the end, we squabbled over who fangirled the most over which athlete from which country, and these are the results:
|Ireland (Pool B)||Australia (Pool B)||Belgium (Pool B)|
|Slovakia (Pool B)||Germany (Pool E)||Brazil (Pool E)|
|Norway (Pool E)|
For this second installment, we are discussing everything listed in the second table above, save the United States national team. We request that our international friends forgive any excessive attention to Team USA, which will have its own article out later this week.
However you look at it, Bruce and SG bleed red, white, and blue, y’all. Smythe says he bleeds red, white, and maple syrup because he’s a complex creature torn between two nations, though mostly he loves Canada. Sorry, eh?
AUSTRALIA – SG
Pick: Dameon Osborn
Photo credit: Dameon Osborn’s Facebook.
SG: I would just like to say that I obviously won out here by selecting for Australia. You two either didn’t know or didn’t realize, but the entire country of Australia is gorgeous, and that is fucking realized in the above photograph. Dameon Osborn looks like he stepped off the cover of a romance novel. I mean, that beard. I am all a-swoon. Take me away, Mr. Osborn. Jesus Christ. He actually kinda looks like Jesus.
If this is what Jesus looks like, consider me S-A-V-E-D.
BD: To be frank, the typical white imperialistic Jesus Christ wasn’t nearly so buff. Shit, though, that does NOT look like a quidditch player.
RS: WHEN DID AUSTRALIA GET THOR?? WHAT THE HELL. But seriously, if he can play half as good as he looks, we’re looking at a serious contender for a medal in Australia.
BELGIUM – RS
Pick: Seppe de Wit
Photo credit: SnappyGibbs Photography.
RS: All aboard the SeppExpress! Australia had better watch out, because Belgium is hunting for that #1 spot coming out of pool play.
BD: He looks majestic and beautiful as fuck.
SG: Are those PUNISHER socks?! I’m having a Bruce-esque fangirl moment over here. FUCK YEAH TEAM BELGIUM
IRELAND – BRUCE
Pick: Mathilda Rose
Photo Credit: Ajantha Abey Quidditch Photography.
BD: B-e-a-uuuuuu-ty and grace!
RS: Every other player in this shot is just looking on with awe as they should be.
SG: I am having a moment. These European players are so fucking attractive. I am definitely having regrets about choosing not to study in Europe for my masters.
SLOVAKIA – BRUCE
Pick: Hana Boskovičová
Photo credit: František Kubus.
BD: 1. Quidditch photos? Super sparse in Slovakia. 2. Who doesn’t love a cutie dressed as everyone’s favorite non-SG Southern belle?
RS: It’s a good thing SG can’t steal my powers like Rogue can. Bruce, you might not be able to survive a pun-wielding SG. I don’t think ANY of us could.
Also, I have a feeling there are about to be a lot more quidditch photos of Slovakia.
SG: You’d both be toast if I had Rogue’s powers. I’d be a high-flying, pun-wielding, copy-editing force of fucking nature. However. I am complacent in wielding my crown to this bae. I’d gladly be her Gambit.
RS’s Pool Pick: Choo choo motherfuckers. Doubling down on my Team Belgium for a medal pick right now.
BD’s Pool Pick: As much as Rogue may have nearly stolen my heart, Thor is the hero here. Good Gods, Odinson. Australia has a hell of an advantage.
SG’s Pool Pick: Dameon—you are really, really pretty, okay?
POOL E, minus the USA National Team
NORWAY – RYAN
Pick: Kai Haugen Shaw
Photo credit: OSI Quidditch.
RS: GINGER BEARDS WILL RULE THE WORLD!! Also, it’s important to note how good that jersey looks on Kai.
BD: Hi, Kai. You already know these dipshits, but maybe you should know me tooo.
SG: Kai is the best! We once got into an Internet fight on QP’s slack, and I’m pretty sure I scared the shit out of his gentle Euro heart by being excessively American and defensive of my hometown. No hard feelings, Kai? You’re my favorite ginger, even present company withstanding~
GERMANY – SG
Pick: Nadine Cyrannek
Photo credit: Nadine Cyrannek’s Facebook.
SG: CUTE. CUUUUUUUTE. Nadine, let’s hang out.
RS: She can teach me how to dougie all day, any day.
BD: Oof. DQB just stealing the show.
BRAZIL – RYAN
Pick: Phill Cain
Photo credit: Loring Masters.
RS: It’s not like I’m biased….I DEFINITELY didn’t spend an excessive amount of time live-tweeting about Phill at Nationals or anything.
BD: The first time I ever played quidditch, during pick-ups, I was defending Phill. Let’s just say that two years has not made it any easier to not be distracted by him.
SG: I feel sort of weird about the fact that I’ve never met Phill Cain since I hear about Phill Cain all of the time. Hi, Phill Cain. You’re scary-good; let’s be friends.
RS’s Pool Pick: I love you Phil, but you went up against a heavyweight favorite in my heart. Ginger beards for life.
BD’s Pool Pick: Gosh, just me not saying Kai. Phill is perfect, in every way. Deal with it.
SG’s Pool Pick: Kai. He’s a darling.